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Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
money maker
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
when unicorns get really drunk
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
