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I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I wish this was real life…
ew if literal: let me be clear
why would tinder want me to say this
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.