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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”