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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
when there are deer in the woods
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Happy Friday
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.