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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.