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There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
logging onto twitter…
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”