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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.