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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
me adding lol on a serious message
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.