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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic