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I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”