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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
