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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.