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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
One of the best
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”