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Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!