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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
A bold strategy
podcasts
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.