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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.