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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.