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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
this got me crying😭😭
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.