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Love thy neighbor’s dog
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.