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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Welcome to the stomach
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker