You Might Also Like
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
There is no “we” in pizza
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have