You Might Also Like
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.