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this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
