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She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.