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PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Super Hand Dog Face
The United Steaks of America
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
all that yoga finally paid off
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*