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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
S O O N
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?