You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I already tried new things thanks.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.