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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS