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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.