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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????