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[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”