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thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Gas station lines at 2 am:
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?