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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?