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Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
It kinda feels like this rn
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull