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Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*sewing*
A thread
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Close call…
