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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?