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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*