me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire