Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Selfie

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

What a year we’ve had this week.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.