Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Nomnomnomnom

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming