*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
bro what is going on at twitter
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
The three genders.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.