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is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist