What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
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Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”
Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”
2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”
It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.
Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.