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@AndyJokedAgain

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

@jwoodham

Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”

@I_am_carbs

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

@LaptopShopWH

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

@david8hughes

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

@papaneedscoffee

2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”

Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”

2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..

@Angibangie

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

@thatUPSdude

Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.

@Firawesome

Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.