My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”