7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Jupit. Jupiter. Jupitest.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion