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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.


Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.


Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.


Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro


Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones


Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.


I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.


The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:


6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking


Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.


Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.