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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage