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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I think this might be relevant today.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows