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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
