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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress