I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”