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ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
life finds a way
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.