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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
This forever.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The Sun
A great first step 😂
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk