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WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Can. I. Help. You.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have