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Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here