Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.