I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
i love modern commerce
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.