Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

ㅤ

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

That earthquake could have been an email.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”