Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”