*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Grandmother clock.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”