“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.