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@krisv_723

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

@jazz_inmypants

MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂

[later]

BED BUG: *tries to bite me*

ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no

BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@Kryzazy

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

@matt_travelling

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

@mattewe02

parent cockroaches be like “don’t let me catch you in those nice neighborhoods”

@AnniemuMary

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

@sarousti

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone