Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

If you love someone, let them tweet.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur