I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
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David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
weird email i got today
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.