I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
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SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.