Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy