Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
sugar glider wrangler
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?