Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.