[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo