My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.