My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.