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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums