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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.