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When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.