Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk